Middle of the Nights

I've been so desperately lonely in the middle of the night. The deep down gut wrenching heart stopping soul crushing loneliness. I lie there and let the despair and anguish fill me up. I experience it completely- which is a horrible experience- so that I may know it. 

So that I can understand it. So that I'm not afraid of it.

Being let down…disappointed….hurt. By someone I love and trust and want more from…. but am not getting it…someone I am connected to. From expectations. From the inability to communicate how I feel. From confusion and instability of not knowing how that someone feels. From fear of losing what I really want.  And when that someone has been frequently choosing to NOT choose me…...

But I'm redefining the way I look at it. I'm not blaming myself or looking for faults within myself for an explanation. So that's good. Trying to be Zen and adjust my perspectives. 

But it     really       really     hurts. 

This nightly chasm threatens to consume me. 

I just found out that a friend of mine is going through the exact same thing. I had no idea. Funny how loneliness makes you feel…. well…. isolated and alone. 

I wonder how many of my friends are lying awake at night consumed with these feelings.        And we don't know it. 

That's terrifying.